SPIRITUAL COMPATIBILITY IN MARRIAGE

SPIRITUAL COMPATIBILITY IN MARRIAGE.

Marriage is a complex affair that must be viewed from various perspectives and built by diverse tools. That’s why for the children of God, it must and should start somewhere-with spiritual compatibility. Let me share some of the insights I have found in Lynne and Bill’s book Fit to be Tied: Making Marriage last a lifetime.

The buying mood

Auto industry insiders know that the car buyers buy cars within the first 48 hours of entering the showroom. Thus dealers display their cars so seductively in their show and that’s why the salespeople try so hard to seal a deal fast - lest the mood wears after the 48 hrs.The buyer will then return to reality and allow good judgement to prevail.

People in the buying mood often get fascinated –even fixated on only one feature of the car they are considering and unfortunately may proceed to buy the very car because of same one feature; perhaps it’s the design of the dashboard; the sound system or mag wheels and raised letter tires.

People in the car buying mood seldom read the consumer reports, check paper records or analyse how quickly certain models depreciate; not eve n the warranty data-they are fired up. Better judgement has been temporarily-so they make the deal, sign up the papers and drive away their shiny toy all within 48 hrs. What do you think happens 2-3 days later when the shine wears off?

Perhaps you say it’s only a car. But listen to what a real estate agent had to say, “It’s real, all right. That’s why we try to move so fast. If you don’t get them to sign the contract within a day you might as well lose them. That mood doesn’t long, and when it passes its all over. But when they are in the mood’ he continued ‘it’s unbelievable. A woman can buy a house because she loves the laundry room. A man will walk into the garage and envision where the workshop will be .and the deal is done. They don’t check the heating system, the plumbing…if the y are in the buying mood they work fast and sign”.

Imagine how many of such people end up regretting because of their emotional decision. They could have waited for the sound judgement to return before they signed on for a six-figure commitment.

Perhaps you still say that this only a house-no one would even make such a reckless decision about an important thing in life say, about a life partner. No one would be foolish enough to fixate on one or two features of another person without keenly scrutinizing other features. Or even set an engagement or wedding date when their judgement was held hostage by hormones. No one would do that. Would you?

Remember there’s a ‘marrying mood’ that causes a temporary insanity and sabotage normally clear thinking brains. And too many single adults, perhaps you and I are often caught up in it.

Unwelcome advice.

People in the car buying mood hate it when interested Christian friends say “But I read in the Car and Driver…” People in the house buying mood hate it when well meaning neighbours say ‘But I heard from my friend who is a builder…’ so do people in the marrying mood hate it when well meaning Christian friends and pastors say, “But the bible says…” they especially hate it when these pastors and friends turn to the infamous passage where Paul gives the FIRST requirement of a meaningful, God honouring marriage “Do not be yoked with unbelievers …….”2^nd cor 6:14-15

This is one of the least appreciated verses in the Bible I suppose. Look at what you, I and others may say, “This is downrightly discriminative- a kind of a spiritual apartheid”.

God’s children are too good to marry the unbelievers. Others argue that it hurts evangelism. “How can we win them to Christ if we can’t date and love them into the kingdom? It’s amazing how much disobedience flourishes under the guise of evangelism.

Many people can trust God with many areas of their lives except this. Many distort this scripture and even go ahead to justify disobedience “He is almost a believer, he says he’ll become a believer after we get t married”.

Listen to what and why God says about spiritual compatibility.

1. Common treasure.

The first likely reason is to ensure that marriage partners will share a common treasure; to make sure that every husband and wife can share that which is precious with their spouse. If you think this is not important consider what it feels like to have to keep anything you love, even something of a purely temporal nature-to yourself. For instance the nicest movie or an inspiring book which you have just finished reading.

On the contrary what if both of you have a dying passion for Christ? You can discuss bible lessons together, tell each other about answers to prayers and trade information you have read from Christian books… You can take long walks and dream together about what God can do through you. You can encourage one another to commit more of yourselves to God, talk openly about sin in your lives and challenge one anther to greater heights of obedience.

When a person comes into a personal relationship with the lord Jesus Christ, Jesus becomes not only his answer to complexities of life, but also his saviour, friend and ultimately his treasure. He realises that he has been forgiven, cleansed, liberated and stands in awe of it all. He begins to think of Christ throughout the day and sing songs of worship in the kitchen, in the car, in the garden…he longs to go to church and even talk about Christ with enthusiasm to willing listeners. It becomes natural because such an important dimension cries to be shared with friends, acquaintances, neighbours and family members –especially his spouse.

God loves his children so much that he wants to spare them the pain of having an unshared treasure. So He says “Throw romance through the window, sexual excitement aside and look at the long haul of your future. What you need to look for first is a spouse with whom you can share your greatest treasure- Christ. How do you find that?

2. A common blueprint

Another probable reason God would insist on spiritual compatibility is to enable marriage partners build their marriage on a common blueprint. I imagine the frustration of two masons trying to build a house with two different set of plans; with conflicting designs, dimensions, and materials-vanity. Even a layman would see the futility of the project and would say “you can’t build a house from different blueprints, it can’t work”.

The same can be said to naïve lovers who enter marriage with totally different plans for how to build their relationship. She has her set based on her background, her parent’s marriage and her world and life view. The other has his. Soon the two different plans come into play.

“A decent husband would act this way”

“A decent wife should be seen and not be heard”

And on it goes.

God’s move would be to step into such a messy situation, take the faulty plans crumble them up and throw them away. He would then hand them his own-the bible. In the Bible, it’s outlined how you should build your marriage, what it takes to be a godly husband/wife and how to solve conflicts. Plans for how to love, inspire, encourage and even how to compromise your differences. “Have it and use it, it’s a perfect blueprint” God would say, “for you can’t build your marriage apart from it”.

 Do you think you share the same Lord and therefore the same blueprint with your partner?

3. A common strength

Jesus said,” The world is full of sorrows…” And that’s precisely real. In this world, there are inevitable troubles, evils, heartaches loss, disappointment…There are financial setbacks emotional sicknesses, barren wombs, family conflicts and so on. All these as a residual effect of the fallen ness of man. And that’s why our loving God would insist on spiritual compatibility so that both spouses can, through prayer tap a common strength in the face of these adversities. God doesn’t want one partner turning to pills or bottles. Or rather one partner escaping reality in a stranger’s bed. He does not want to see one partner screaming,”I can’t take it more, I quit”.

What difference it can be when both partners can turn to God and find out that he is “a refuge and a present help in times of trouble”. It frees each spouse from having to wonder how the other will handle the upsets of life. Every marriage will sometimes be sucked into the centre of life’s storm. When that happens God wants both partners to be able to reach out for him for strength and help.

4. Common values

We are living in a funny age of nuclear wars, of me-ism, of relativism, abortion on demand and of promiscuity. An age of conflicts and confusion and especially for children.

Spiritual compatibility will ensure that children are raised by parents who share common values. This is no time for little Tom to have to wonder why mommy says Jesus is the way, the truth and life while daddy uses his name as a curse word. This is no time for little Mary to be set adrift by space-age parents who can’t themselves agree on values. So they proudly announce that she can tread on waters indefinitely on the seas of relativism. This is not what our kids need dear.

This is the time for our children to see a united front. For parents to clarify values and educate them morally and spiritually. This is time for mom and dad to teach, model and love their children into the truth.

The world outside is actually cruel and longs to have the children for lunch. This is the time the children needed the advantage of being raised by parent who share common values. There is power in a united front. Unfortunately no one can fake this because children pick on discrepancies. So what do they do when they sense the two primary authority figures in their lives do not agree on basics? What do they believe? What do they grab and say, “This must be true?” How can they say this is right or wrong?

The only way to present a united front is to marry someone who has the same lord –someone who cherishes the same treasure, trusts the same blueprint and tap the same strength. Only then can you share the same values and establish a home where the children can get the kind of guidance they need. I guess you would want to love your kids more than anyone you could ever love. It would break your heart if anyone of you left for work or travelled for a few days and you would have to wonder what the other partner is teaching them. What must it be like to wonder what values your spouse is passing on while you are away? Or to fear that they are contradicting what you have said? Or to hear them openly questioning the values you have tried to instil?

A Courageous decision.

2 cor 6:14 is not discrimination. Its not capriciousness. Its sovereign wisdom. It’s for our good. It’s for the future welfare of every unmarried singles .Its God’s protective love expressed in practical terms. I guess fear runs down your spine as you read this article. Perhaps you are wrapped up romantically with a person of a different faith as you. What do you do now? I hope you will be able to call it quits. I bet it’s not as simple as that. But look at the long haul. Do you want a lifetime of pain and frustration?

God can give you the courage to quit. If you are in a romantic relationship with an unbeliever, or if you sense a relationship may be leading that t way, draw on His power to help you get out; call it a break. Then surround yourself with people who can pray for you, encourage you and cheer you on. If you chose to disobey god in this you are on your own and you are headed for disaster. But if you obey, if you make the hard choice, you will find yourself on the road of peace and blessings.

Synchronized.

One of the tricks of flying a twin engine is getting both engines well synchronized. If one engine is slightly overpowered the plane will vibrate and veer off to one side. It takes careful attention and an attentive ear to determine.-and to hear which engine needs to be adjusted. If the two engines are properly synchronized, it’s quite exhilarating and it feels so right.

That feeling of rightness-of being perfectly synchronized-is why God insists Christians marrying other Christians. He wants spouses to be finely adjusted to one another. He wants them to be equally powered: to share the same sensitivity to Gods will, and be equally tuned to the leading of the spirit.

That kind of synchronization implies more than just a shared belief. True spiritual compatibility implies a shared intensity of belief and degree of commitment. In other words, a vibrant spirit led, radically committed Christian woman should never settle for a nominal, comfortable Christian man who does little more than just wear the lapel pin and mimic the jargon. What happens when the sprit leads her to sacrifice time and money or go out on the limb of faith, or change careers, or churches, or lifestyles? What happens when she wants to obey that leading, but her less committed spouse says, “Don’t get fanatical? Why do you have to make waves? I don’t like crawling out on limbs. I don’t like changes”. That response spells trouble and disappointment to the deeply committed spouse.

Do you think your individual prayers can lead you to a compatible conclusion? Perhaps you are led to give away your money or possessions, or housing plan changes, or education decision for your children. Or when you face conflicts, do you think both of you can resolve the issues by submitting to the wisdom you have both received from God?

That’s synchronization. That’s being equally yoked. That’s the kind of oneness God longs for married people to enjoy.

I guess you now say that what you have to do is to just look for a fellow Christian and settle with him/her for marriage. No. when two people are right with God it does not mean they right for each other. What about other compatibilities: character, attraction factor, communication…What I am saying is that every Christian marriage MUST START WITH TRUE SPIRITUAL COMPATIBILITY.